I'm Not
by EightofSwords
Summary: Not an SyaoranMeilin fic. Just a little vignette exploring the denial of an unrequited love. Reality hurts too much to be embraced.


A/N: I know everyone hates Meirin – hates her relationship with Syaoran, anyway. But what does it feel like to lose the boy who's been your best friend all your life? All girls function on the belief that there's that one guy they belong with forever, the guy they read about in manga and see on movies…and it's hard to accept that the fairy tale…isn't.

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**I'm Not**

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That familiar tightness clenches my chest as your eyes meet hers. The inevitable union; your face lights up, and you hurry over to her, away from me. My side screams out with the loss of your warmth. How can you be so eager to leave me after I was your only confidante for so long?

You laugh together, at some shared joke that I'm not privileged to, and I force a fake smile, telling myself that you're going through a phase. Yeah, you have some silly shallow crush on her now, but it'll pass. In the end, I'm the only one for you. In the books, that's how it goes. Even if Prince Charming is attracted to some other girl, he always realizes his mistake and returns to his true love.

I refuse to believe that your true love isn't me.

I tell myself that you're just too dazzled by her aura to see that she's not your destined. That though you're smiling like I've never seen you smile before, inside you're thinking, "She's not as funny as Meirin. Her eyes don't have Meirin's fire. Her hair doesn't have Meirin's shine."

She doesn't love you like I do! How many years have I waited? How many times have I stood by silently and listened to my heart crack in half because you don't look at me like that, the way you look at her?

_What does she have that I don't?_

You'll see. I'm your best friend. The guy always falls for his best friend. We're destined, you'll see. You will. And I'll wait. I'll wait for you to realize.

_Someday._

Tomoyo's camera is on; the red eye doesn't blink. It sees everything, misses nothing. I imagine years from now, Sakura and Tomoyo watching this video and Tomoyo sighing, "Well, Meirin was always better suited to Syaoran, anyway, Sakura. They were always meant to be." And Sakura sighing, as well, but happy, because she knew that it was our destiny.

And us, you reassuring me that Sakura had never been anything more than a passing fancy, someone you dated because you thought I was unattainable.

That's how it always goes in the movies.

And yet…there's always that "other girl" in the movies, thinking the exact way I am now. The jealous one, who refuses to believe that the hero could ever belong with someone other than her. But I'm not that other girl. I'm not the bitter one trying to steal you away from the one you truly belong to – am I? That's what people see me as, I know, but… _I_'m the one you're meant for. I know I am!

_What does she have…that I don't?_

I'm prettier. It sounds vain, I know, my conscience cringes as I think it, staring at you two with hooded eyes. But I know I am. A natural Chinese beauty, Aunt Iieran always used to say. High cheekbones, slender martial artist's build, with a long sheet of ebony-colored hair to complement my smooth complexion – and Sakura's just a regular old girl, not particularly curvy or skinny, with boring, limp brown hair and constant lumps on her head from where she drops her baton. The only thing remarkable about her are those bright green eyes. I'm much prettier…

_What makes you like her more than me?_

I can't understand. I can't figure it out. And since I can't come up with an answer, I'm forced to conclude that there is no answer – that you _don't_ like her more than you like me.

But if that's true, then why is your arm around _her_, and why am I sitting here alone in the seat?

It doesn't make any sense. I'm your best friend, always have been. Your _only_ friend. _I_'m the one you tell your secrets to, _I_'m the one who knows your pain, your family, your problems!

Well – not anymore. Ever since you met _her_…we don't talk anymore. A word exchanged here and there, concerning the algebra homework, or a science lab…we don't joke anymore, we don't spar, we don't talk – we just _don't_. It's like _we_ doesn't exist anymore.

But it's just a phase. It'll be over – someday. And I'll be waiting, like I always have, waiting for you to come back to me.

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A/N: Please leave me reviews. This is my first CCS fic – a pitifully short one, I know – and I'd like to see what the general consensus concerning Meilin is. 


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